You know what?! i love life.

That is all

So this feeling is crazy. Crazy because I have never felt like this before. Nope I aint in love, nope I aint fallin for someone. Its something weird.

It feels like this: A pool. It sits right below my stomach or maybe in my stomach and It feels like its swirling round and round. It doesnt feel good. It makes me feel sick but not a bad sick. It feels like im waiting for something, anxiety, a dull pain, excitement, needing something, a whirlwind of emotion that I cant explain.

Am i on my male period? Do I have homesickness? Do i have a forbidden crush on someone here? Maybe I am so overly bored here that I dont have anything else to do but think and feel like this. Maybe I need to feel this because I usually am feeling happy, sense of fulfillment, even stress (good stress) when I am back at home in the city. Maybe I do have all these bad feelings and its all rolled into one massive pool of emotion.I think thats it.

This one person here, makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, smiles at me and  I feel overly happy, when they are close or in the same room I feel content. This one person lays their head on my chest and talks to me, this one person talks to me as if on a date with me, this one person can touch me in a way that I get all soft and warm inside. When not with me, when hanging out with other people, I feel jealous. How can this even happen. I am changing quickly and I need to control these feelings. I will come back changed and many people will have to accept these changes though they wont be able to swallow or accept it. We shall see who my real friends are and who are just fakes.

There are somethings here that people are insensitive to. Certain things that they talk about or casually talk about disgust me. When they criticize, put down, or shit talk people of this certain position… I get pissed off. They have no Idea. No Idea. Many people dont even know. They stick to that certain stereotype and dont realize that I am standing right in front of them.I break stereotypes trust me, I do.

I kno all of this is abstract but I cant say what I truly want to say because of some certain rules I must abide to.

Now can I calm this swirling vortex within myself? I think I can. I need to get away from this place so I can get back to normal and be free within my city with all my close friends. I need to relax in the sun, in the warm grass of Dolores Park with a beer in my hand, laughing and talking as if there was no tomorrow. Eating late night food with my wolf pack, I need to hear the whispering winds that come through Lone Mountain, I need to feel that biting air every morning. I need to see the beautiful people of San Francisco, the beautiful random people. I seriously left my heart in that ol city. I need to go back.

-Timmeh

I have one more week in this shithole (fort benning, GA) and i will be back in my city. SAN FRANNNN! Made a lot of good friends. Gonna jump outta a “perfectly good plane” on Monday about 1500 feet from the air alllll by myself. YEEEEE!

Then next week Friday I’ll have my airborne wings.

Byahhhh bitch byahhh!

-Timmeh

If one knew what went on in my brain, they would be scared. Not scared in a sense that they want to distance themselves from me and flee for their lives due to some sinister future plan that I would carry out, no they wouldn’t want to know or understand the Real Tim.

People are scared to be the real person in front of their friends, always putting up fronts to show that they are strong, in-control, and in some sense, powerful. But if anyone has really known me, really lived with me, or really seen the Real Tim cry, they would know that this short Filipino guy from Hawaii isn’t just skin deep. Some girls and a lot of my bro’s would say that I am different from the “guys”, a bit more sensitive than the usual “dude”. Heck… I frickin pride myself with that trait.

Being Different. Our society has a cookie cutter way of forming our minds, our speech, and our actions to conform to what everyone else thinks is right and what should be the standard of every human being. I am NOT that.

I was with my friends this evening and what were they talking about? Sex. Sex. Sex. Seriously when guys get together and start talking about sex as if its a game to see who can bang the most chicks or to degrade their affairs with women to just “fucking” I seriously get sick to my stomach. In my mind, a girl… a girl is someone that I can take care of. A girl is someone that can take care of me. A girl is someone I can defend, protect, and in the end Love no matter what imperfections or frickin annoying little things she does. Thing is I’m not just looking for a girl. I’m looking for a woman. A mature, independent but dependent, cute, funny, laid back woman. This woman will be the person that will make all that I am doing to become an officer in the military all worth it… so I can fight for her, I can fight for everything she and I stand for.

Here’s the kicker: I have ran all over in my life running after girls and I cant stand it. It doesnt work out for me. Drama,  their ex boyfriends, more drama… God obviously is telling me something. Either I become a frickin priest or I just go Gay?

I understand why gay guys like guys. Guys understand how intricate and elusive that perfect woman is. When they meet that one woman… she isnt his type, or she isnt ready for a relationship. Or in really, shes not grown up enough to know what she wants. Gay dudes can talk to their boyfriend about guy stuff. Gay dudes dont have to dance around issues like straight couples do. Gay guys have care free fun. And of course, they do not conform to society’s cookie cutter way of life.

And apparently I am not conformed to the cookie cutter shit. Thing is, I feel that if I can form a relationship with all my guy friends, as close as they are, Im sure I could form a relationship similar to a straight couples…

There is one that thing that makes me have drama in life and that one thing is a Female. But why do I try to keep on getting with these god-like human beings. I obviously cant live up to IT’s standards….

I cant take it. Why do I have to work so hard to live and breathe a life with someone I truly care for?

If you read all the way to here… You can see a second glimpse of what runs through my head. You wont like it… But its in there.

In 3 days I shall be going to Fort Lewis, Washington to commence on a training that I have never undertaken in my life. This is the Leadership Development Assessment Course or commonly known as LDAC. This course is my final, paramount, and craziest test for me as an Army ROTC cadet, where my skills and different abilities, as a leader, will be tried. I wont go into detail but basically it is a 24-25 day course where every day we are doing something Army-ish. We will be surrounded by Non commissioned officers and officers who will be watching our every move. Everything we do is being evaluated. Everything. As i think about this hectic training that will soon be part of my life, I think of how crazy my summer has been: The Drinking: If you know me… I drink. I drink to have fun, not to hook up with people or to get people to like me. I do it for the totally FUN aspect of it. I meet so many people and have so many laughs and memories from drinking with my friends. I love to share alcohol and am not greedy. I treat my friends well. hehe. Well a month in SF has been liberating and fun, since San Fran is THE best city in the US. The bars and clubs are off-the-hook where the most beautiful, eccentric, weird, crazy, and most fun people come to party. AND I AM IN SF. yeeee! Well from Trader Sams, apartment parties, to random drinking at Dolores Park, to cheap ass drinks in the Castro, how can anyone complain? The Friends: Una, Sarah, Helina, Cal, Mark, Julian, Brooke, Fija, Brandon- all these peeps have made my summer the shizzzzzzzz. The laughs, nakedness, the drunkenness, the stories. oh the times, trust me. RIDIC. I met random friends at Dolores Park and we share some alky, talked up a storm and my friends form Sac came up. Randomness: I was running and I saw 2 bums riding their bicycles around Haight Street, a man and a woman. The woman started screaming “noooo dont hit me again! PLEASE PLEASE noooo dont hit me Please!” apparently she was hit by her guy bum friend from behind while on the bike. She hopped off her bike and I looked at her. She was missing teeth, and looked like a crazy jungle lady with flowers and grass in her hair. I had to laugh. I was in-front of YAMO, my favorite place to eat in SF in the mission, and I was listening to the pigeons that were roosted above the restaurant. I thought their sounds were weird so I watched them… a little Indian lady was standing right beneath the birds…. I looked at the birds and they suddenly got quiet, one turned around and poooped… poooped right on the shoulder of the Indian lady. She looked sooo shocked, I just looked at her, made a stupid noise and just shrugged. She walked off embarrassed. So funny. I was in the Castro drinkin and I saw a dude in his white briefs…. just standing in-front of the bank… weirdos now days. Myself: I have come to know myself. I am more confident in who I am as a person. Some people will understand what I am talking about. Some wont. But for now I am focusing on my LDAC training, and I also have Airborne training in Georgia which is immediately after LDAC. that will be for 3 weeks. I get back around the 20th of August… Life is sweet but hard. Lets kick some ass at LDAC and do our best… we shall TIM we shall! -Wish me luck all. Thanks muchos!

Tomorrow will begin the 4 days of shittiness. FTX, that is Field Training Exercise Training at Fort Hunter Ligett will commence. 4 days of shit. fuck my life. But seriously, i will try and get through it cuz my 21st is on Monday and Ill have a blast.

Then next Friday, I’m going to Vegas with the parentals. YEEEEEE!

Then the next weekend will be the joint birthday party.

You are invited!

Random Thought:

DEAR APO, why do you take up my time? I ,I love you, but my best friend, Mike, is getting kinda annoyed with you, cuz youre taking time away from our hang out times. lol. But i agree with him. You are cutting into my work outs at Koret… But I love all my PB’s and my others Bros. I am doing it for all you peeps, esp the Pledges. You guys are doing great!!!!

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Here we are in UC400 and i just finished one of 2 homework projects due tomorrow. School is getting crazy. Jenny, Mica, Me, and Mango need to be done with this homework so we can sleep. FOL (fuck our lives).

OH!!!!! There was a car accident today near Stonestown, me and Gerold were like WTF?!!?!? lol

the picture isnt loading….

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Random Thought:

Today we had Roll Call practice… some dudes need to loosen up when they dance… and I learned something new, I never knew that I could be good friends with gay people :)

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So Happy Easter all! Today i was talking to my friend in Spain till 1030 and then i had to rush to go to church. St. Iggy’s was hellla packed. But yeh Mass was nice, esp with the little girl with a flower hat running around going “woof woof! Im a dog…”. Hella Cute. A cold rainy Easter Day.

Easter. A very overly commercialized Holy Celebration. Kinda lost its meaning but meh. There’s a term that we use for Catholics that go to church when they want to… “Cafeteria Catholics”, people who don’t usually go to church and only pick and choose which Big Celebrations (e.g. Christmas, Easter) they want to go to. I think its kind of useless to just go to these various “fun days” because seriously, why even go to church if you don’t care to even go on your own time or even have an inkling or spark of any holy and wholesome thoughts ever on your mind? ok enough of the venting.

Japanese food. GO TO KITAROS

Hella cheap and good. I got full. Worth it.

Then we went to Quickly… and of course we got BOBA. I havnt had boba in hellla long so it was a good treatsie. Philip Daniel, my frat broskie gave it up for Lent so it was like he was having orgasms on the couch while he was sippin on his drink lol. Then Mica and I broke up because she has a small penis and she cant satisfy me. (inside joke).Thank God for good friends and good times.

And here i am on my bed Trying to read St. Anselm’s Cur Deus Homo (why the God/Man) i gots hella hw. story of my freakin life no?

quote of the day: “AI! CABAYON PUTI!!!!- Romina  lololol

I know i know i know, i havnt written in this stupid blog for a while. and yes i fail Shutup. But seriously, life has been crazy, hard, and fun. If i could sum it all up… well i cant. I have gone through changes and built up a solid group of friends who have helped me through college. I know who i am, who i want to be, and who i will be. Thank God. Expect more posts. I will put a crap load today. Jus because its a Sunday and i dont have anything else to do.

Well yesterday, we went to the beach, Baker Beach. It was nice and warm so me, the Wolf Pack (Calvin, David, and Michael), Punsalan, Hernandez, Salinas, Sorich, Hedrick, Sabo, Ness, Ish, Tamula, and Ashley all went. The guys and I decided to kick the soccerball around and got into a heading contest. We tried to do 10 headers in a row and got it on video (it will be uploaded later). It was EPIC. Then we got back up on the shore and this creepy ass old dude started taking pics of us and our group… fucken random. OHHHHHHH AND!!!! we have really gay pics of the wolf pack but they are super legit. (they will be loaded up later also haha). While we were talking about some dude that the guys used to beat up, we saw these rich people with their all black jackets and bottle of wine… and their little Dog… we decided to try and guess the name of it. and we concluded that its name was Diana because… thats what RICH people would name their uselesss little dog. right?

Then we decided to leave… wait at the bus stop for a good… 30 minutes. Saw 2 brothers of APO and i was waving while on my sector 9 board… and fell. i went one way, the board went toward the road. a driver of a huge white van literally ran it half over and stopped. I was amazed the board didnt bust in two. crazy. I ran to the road told him to reverse and grabbed my board. My baby is still good (whew!).

We walked back to the 38 and went back to campus and fricken went to the after party for Barrio. SOOO MANY ASIANS. which isnt a bad thing. Its just that I rolled in with all my white friends haha so yeh awkwardcity.

The night was good. I saw my crush, whatevs. That certain person is taken but Im sure itll end soon. hehe. Im evil.

Today is Sunday and here i am writing this blog. Imma head to the mission to get food and then i dunno maybe jus download music at PHILZ, legit coffee place in SF. and come back in time for the Pledge Midterm. Marvin Subia!!!! DO WELL!!!

Outskiez for now. pax